


The Contest

by ssadropout



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: F/M, Masterbation, Royai - Freeform, Seinfeld References, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 06:55:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17038892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssadropout/pseuds/ssadropout
Summary: This is based on the Seinfeld episode "The Contest." If you haven't seen it, you should.Anyway, Havoc is caught in an embarrassing act, and it convinces Roy and the tachi plus Rebecca to test their mettle.





	The Contest

Happily for Havoc, it was Breda who found him. Sadly, it was not the most embarrassing thing that had ever happened to him (but that's another story for another time.) Jean had gone into the men's locker room to shower after his workout. He'd felt tired until he noticed the magazine. The issue of "Guns! Guns! (Guns!)" was open to a page showing a brunette with long curly hair and a blond with short hair. They were skimpily clad and holding new rifle models. Maybe, if they hadn't looked so much like Catalina and Hawkeye, it wouldn't have happened, but they did sort of resemble the two best friends. And he did have a thing for one of them- the one that he was a little less afraid of. 

He figured that he had a few minutes before anyone else showed up, since the others had just begun their workouts when he'd left. 

He hadn't taken into consideration the degree of Breda's dislike of exercise (which rivaled his fear of dogs.) Havoc was so close when his cohort walked in, but that was that. Havoc was caught in the act, and Breda regretted that the seen could not be unseen. The red head did not say a word. He really didn't need to. They showered, and as they left the locker, Havoc whined, “You're not going to tell anyone, are you?”

“Hell, yes!” said Breda with an evil grin.

0-0-0

Hawkeye noticed that Havoc wouldn't look her in the eyes. He seemed to be avoiding looking at her at all. He just sort of looked beyond her. She also saw that Breda's attempt at a nonchalant mien was sure to fail. She realized that it was one of those times where she didn't want to know what the problem was, so she just went back to work. 

Breda sauntered over to Fuery's desk with a mischievous look in his eyes. He spoke lowly. First Fuery's eyes grew wide, magnified by his thick lenses. Then, his face grew beet red. Then he started giggling nervously, averting his head from Havoc's direction. That was about when the Colonel stepped out of his inner office. 

His gaze took everything in: Hawkeye diligently working, Breda talking to Fuery, Fuery trying to control himself, Falman working, and Havoc working... Havoc working when something was going on? The Colonel instantly analyzed the situation. “Master Sergeant Fuery, I need you in my office.”

Breda paled, and Havoc nearly fainted. They knew that Mustang would break Fuery like a marshmallow-roasting twig. He had gone right for the weakest link. Breda mouthed , “Sorry Hav,” across the room.

Mustang preceded poor Kain into the inner office and had him shut the door. He sat at his desk and feigned interest in his paper work, saying nothing. After about five minutes, he said, “Sergeant?”

“Sir?”

“Do I really need to ask?”

“Please don't make me tell you, Sir.”

“I'm afraid that I can't grant that request.”

“It's really not my story to tell, Colonel.”

“It is unless you want the rest of the team to stay until 2200.”

“That's not fair, Sir!” 

The Colonel just stared at the poor communications officer who finally sighed. “Okay, Sir,”

0-0-0

Mustang called the men into his office. Hawkeye rose, too, but his look sent her silently back to her seat. She really did not want to know. 

The Colonel was trying to look serious, but there was definitely a twinkle in his eyes. Havoc looked sick, and Breda was trying not to snicker. Poor Fuery looked abashed, and Falman... well, you know. Mustang, usually not at a loss for words, seemed to be mentally formatting a sentence. Finally:

“What the hell, Havoc? What if it had been anyone not from our team? What were you thinking?”

“He wasn't,” Breda whispered but was silenced by Mustang's I want to burn something look.

“If you had seen the magazine, Sir... Do you want me to go get it?” Havoc ventured. 

“You've got to be kidding me!” However, Mustang was curious. “Did you see it, Breda?”

“The models did resemble the Lieutenant and 2nd Lieutenant. However, they didn't have enough clothes on to show whether they were military or not. They didn't exactly hold the rifles like they were professional... shooters.” Breda was looking at Havoc as he was answering Mustang.

The Colonel turned to Havoc and asked, “And which lady did you find more attractive?” 

Nearly choking, Jean replied, “I think that brunettes are really hot!” It was the truth, but more importantly, it was the right answer. Mustang seemed to relax a little. 

“I can't believe that you could not control yourself!”

“C'mon Colonel! Didn't you ever just have to... take care of business?” 

“It's not what you did as much as it's where you did it.”

“I bet you would have done the same thing, Boss!” 

Before Roy could reply, Breda cut in. “I think that I have an idea.”

0-0-0

Whoever held out from spanking the monkey the longest would win the pot. Each of the five men would ante up 2,000 cenz. The Contest would begin the next Monday so that the men could prepare for it. Falman would handle the money. Reporting of failure to master ones domain would be on the honor system.

And that's how the Contest would have proceeded had Havoc not run into the darker model's doppelganger. What ensued was emblematic of why he had problems with the ladies. While he had the presence of mind to not blurt out the incident that had inspired the Contest, he did tell her about the Contest. 

“I want in!” Rebecca yelled as she poked him in the chest. 

“You're not part of our unit, and, anyway, you're a girl,” explained Havoc. 

“What about Riza? She's a girl?”

“Lieutenant Hawkeye is not part of it. She doesn't know about it, unless Mustang told her.”

“I see!” Catalina snapped and stalked off. Right to talk to Hawkeye, of course.

0-0-0

Ten minutes later, the men were called into the Colonel's inner office. Catalina and Hawkeye had clearly double teamed Mustang, who did not appear to be pleased.

“The participation in our Contest is being expanded. The 1st and 2nd lieutenants will be joining us.”

“Wait a minute!” interrupted Breda. “That's not fair! Everyone knows that women don't have the same need for relief as men.”

Havoc added, “Plus, Hawkeye wouldn't...”

“I wouldn't what, Havoc?” 

“Um. Nothing.” If she kept looking at him like that, he'd win with ease.

Falman suggested that it would be fairer if the women put in 3,000 cenz each. Everyone agreed, and they piled their hands to seal the deal. 

 

Tuesday 0830  
“We have 2000 cenz in the kitty,” monotoned Falman. 

“Already? Who... is not a Master Sergeant?” quipped Roy. 

“Was there a new Wonder Woman comic book, Fuery?” asked Breda.

“Not me!”

A sigh came from Falman's desk. “I'm the one who's out.”

“You, Falman? How?”

“My lady friend called from South City. She said some things. I said some things. When we hung up, I did a thing.”

“This calls for a moment of silence,” said Breda.

Tuesday 1215  
Riza decided to go to the gym for a workout and just heat up some soup to eat at her desk later. She changed into her shorts and tee and trotted to the gym. She was still standing in the doorway when a grunt drew her attention to the Boflex. There, glowing with the sweat of effort, was her commanding officer, clad in shorts and an A-shirt. She stared, mouth open a little. One could easily forget what a desk jockey might be hiding under his uniform. She gazed at his biceps, bulging in an un- Armstrong but alluringly strong way. He was clueless of her presence, lost in the zone. After a few seconds, she backed away silently. 

Wednesday 0850  
Fuery emptied his pocket onto Falman's desk

“The new Wonder Woman comic came out.”

Wednesday 1030  
Everyone watched as Hawkeye rose from her desk chair and placed an envelope tidily onto Falman's desk. 

“Et tu, Lieutenant?”

“Hawkeye? I had a side bet on you for the win!” Havoc moaned. “What drove you to... No! How exactly do you... tune up your equipment?”

The look that Hawkeye gave may have been her most intimidating yet.

The colonel abruptly turned and retreated to his office. It wouldn't do for anyone to notice his bobbing Adam's apple or his dilated pupils. 

But, Hawkeye had noticed. She may have looked like her mind was 100% on her work, but she was grinning evilly inside. She was sure that her plan for revenge would work. 

Wednesday 1830  
Only Mustang and Hawkeye remained in the office. They would have been able to leave on time had Mustang not sat at his desk staring much of the day. 

“I think that you should just go home, Sir. You are mostly caught up. You can make up the rest tomorrow morning.”

“That's a good idea, Lieutenant. I'll drive you home. Let's go!”

“Is it okay if I stop in the Lady's Room for a minute?” 

“Sure. I'll meet you at the door to the parking lot.”

He listened to the soft thud of his boots echo in the empty hall. All he could think about was the lieutenant. He would give anything to know whom she had found so irresistibly seductive. He thought that she was the hottest, smartest, prettiest, everything good-est woman he knew. He knew that she liked him and was pledged to follow him, but she seemed to think of him as a bit of an idiot. He was not the kind of man that she would fall for. 

He heard steps, and a moment later, she turned the corner into his sight line. He smiled. As she got closer, he realized that she had let her hair down and put on some lip gloss.

He opened the car door for her, and she put her hand on his arm liked a lady being helped in. He shut the passenger door and got in himself.

They always had had good communication, both silent and not. She told him a cute story about Hayate and her neighbor's cat. He pulled up in front of her building. 

“Don't forget that you still have work to make up, tomorrow, Sir.”

“I wo...”

She grabbed his jacket lapels and pulled him into a kiss. Her breath was fresh. The kiss was not too soft. Not too hard. Not nearly long enough. She jumped out of the car, slammed the door, and glided into her building. Had she actually swayed her hips a little? He banged his forehead on the steering wheel.

Thursday 0800  
Havoc walked in whistling a jaunty tune and looked around at everyone diligently working. “Is the Boss in?”

“He's in his office,” said Fuery.

Havoc shrugged and plopped into his seat.

Thursday 1650  
Mustang showed his face in the outer office for the first time that day. He reached into his pocket and counted out 2000 cens that he handed to Falman.

“Just now? In your office?” cackled Breda. 

Mustang's glare rivaled Hawkeye's best. “No! Last night at home.”

“What... triggered it, Boss?”

“Just shut up,” mumbled Boss. 

Riza's smirk rivaled Roy's best. 

Friday 0820  
Breda paid his 2000 cenz. He had gone to a topless bar alone, because Havoc had been otherwise engaged. 

“Looks like it's just Havoc and Catalina. It doesn't make any sense.”

Havoc smiled and whistled.

Later, Breda passed Catalina in a hall. She looked more mellow than he thought was possible for the excitable woman. 

 

The following Friday 1450  
“I can't believe that you and or Catalina are being honest. You've caved, haven't you, Havoc?” Breda was turning a shade of purple. “I even put that pinup calendar in your desk.”

“I can only speak for myself,” stated Jean. “I have not spanked the monkey since the contest began. Lieutenant Hawkeye, has Catalina said anything to you?”

“She said that she's been good. Then she said 'Really good.' She refused to explain what that meant. She was... preternaturally- for her- calm. Also, she canceled our dinner plans. It's very strange.” 

Friday2300  
Havoc put his arm around Catalina and kissed her cheek. She slid onto his lap and tipped her wineglass to his lips. 

“This contest is the best thing that ever happened to me.” He kissed her mouth. “I think that I fell for you the first time you called me 'jerkhick.' You made up a name just for me.”

Catalina kissed his neck. “Yep. We might never have gotten close if it weren't for this stupid contest, you jerkhick. You're not half as dumb as I thought you were. And your body is twice as hot. And I even like you. How long do you think we should wait until we just ask for the money?”

“I don't know, but I do know that you don't have to wait for...” 

“Then don't make me wait.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading. This is my first fic on AO3, but I have fics on FF.net, Tumblr, and LJ- all under ssadropout. If you want to read more of my stuff, FF.net has everything (once I post this there.) I hope that you enjoyed this silliness and forgive the OOC-ness. Please comment if you care to.


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